Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Struggling here and praying to try to accept God's will

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been struggling with what my new doctor told me on the phone last week. He told me that the oldest patient he had that was able to have a baby was thirty nine. I will be forty two this Saturday, August 2nd.

Did you know that when I was single without a prospect in sight praying the rosary asking for a good Catholic gentleman that at the same time I was also praying for children? It's true! I've been wanting to a wife and mother for a very long time. I prayed for many, many years for my Ed (Thank you Jesus and the Blessed Mother!) and now I'm doing the same for children.

After I met my Ed and we were engaged, I had a talk with my primary physician in my hometown and we discussed my cycle. She told me she thought I was "Fertile Myrtle" and that I would be able to conceive with no problems in my early forties despite the fact that I had to be treated for an ovarian cyst. And guess what? I believed her! She thought that because I was developing cysts that it was a sign that I was fertile. After we were married I really thought that I would be able to conceive right away. But then when months went by and nothing happened, I made an appointment here in my new city. They told me that I still had the cyst, sent me for ultrasounds to keep track of it, and when it wouldn't disappear on it's own they advised surgery. They kept telling me "Oh we don't know what this cyst is. It could be cancer." and "we might have to take out the ovary along with the cyst." Hearing all this made me very scared and caused my blood pressure to go up. I prayed and prayed that the cyst would disappear on it's own and for the ovary to be saved. That was my prayer. I do not remember ever being so scared. But I kept praying my rosary and God and the Blessed Mother took care of me. I had the surgery on February 12th, both cysts on the ovaries were removed, the cysts were benign, and the ovaries were saved. But that day God gave me another trial. The trial of being told I had severe endometriosis, massive adhesians, the cysts were endometriomas, and I might be infertile.

Still though, I think I was in denial because I thought "Oh well during the surgery they took out the cysts, cleaned up the endometriosis and adhesians so I probably will be able to get pregnant soon." Nope. Again that didn't happen. Several months have gone by and despite the fact that we know when my fertile days are, we still haven't been able to conceive. I think I really was in denial for several months, and a mourning period of my fertility. I can't believe that as of right now we are unable to conceive on our own and we might never have our own child. I mean, I'm the lady who loves children, started babysitting when I was thirteen, and I have been a daycare teacher for twenty years. I've always been asked by the parents of the children in my daycare classes "When are you going to have children? You will be a wonderful Mom someday!" ect. And now this has happened. Because of me and my stupid endometriosis, it seems that I am unable to conceive. It's just so hard to try to accept and believe. My heart and arms are longing for a child. I want to be a Mom so much and think I could be a good one. I know Ed really wants one too and held out hope for a long time, but now when I tell him when my fertile days are he doesn't seem to want to um, take advantage of them because he doesn't think that I'm really that fertile. I think he has given up hope. I feel so bad that I can't seem to give him a child. He is such a terrific husband. I know he would make a great Dad too.

We were hoping that this new doctor could help us with both the endometriosis as well as the infertility, but then the doctor told me on the phone that his oldest patient who was able to conceive was thirty nine, which I admit did burst my bubble.
I do appreciate the fact that he was honest with me. I am looking forward to my first appointment with this new doctor on Friday, August 1st. I am praying he will be able to look over my Creighton model charts, offer some advice and suggestions, treat the endometriosis, and run some tests to help me feel better. This endometriosis is pretty painful especially during my time of the month and during my fertile period too. At times it feels like my ovaries are doing jumping jacks. Ouch!

I am still going to pray my rosary and ask the Blessed Mother's intercession for a miracle if it's His will for us. I do know that God can make miracles happen and nothing is impossible with God! If you could offer up some prayers for us on Friday that this doctor can help us, I would really appreciate it and thank you!

Acceptance Prayer

My Jesus, I ask you with all my heart for your love. Only your love will help me to accept my sufferings and carry my cross in such a way that I may be your true follower.

O Lord Jesus, graciously accept the sacrifice of my sufferings for the temporal and eternal salvation of myself and my loved ones.

Jesus, my dearest Lord and God, my Teacher and my Redeemer, have mercy on me.

Most Holy Spirit, be my Consoler.

-St. John Neumann

May God Bless you all and thanks for reading!

I wonder, how are others who love children as much as I do and have a strong desire to be mothers in their hearts who are given the cross of endometriosis and infertility able to accept this cross and satisfy their desires to have children and be mothers? I'd love to hear from you!

Maria Therese


Jamie said...

I want to tell you how my husband felt when we were trying for the first 3 years of our marriage to concieve, he felt many times like I only married him to have children. This was painful. This was thought provoking. Why did I marry him? Could I still love him the way I am supposed to even if we don't have children? Those questions helped me to LOVE him for him and for whatever the outcome would be.

I know you love your husband, but men think differently, they are a little more black and white and a little more simple than us women. Try to just love him. (as I know you do)

Just wanted to let you know what we went through. STill here praying for you!

Jennifer in TX said...

Praying for your intentions, Maria Therese, through the intercession of St. Therese's parents, Ven. Zelie and Louis.

God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another Catholic infertility blog and wanted to offer my support. I, too, have endometrioses and infertility. My husband and I married ten years ago and, despite having a lap 7 years ago, we have never conceived. I was 24 when I had my lap. However, I have been a mother now for 6 glorious, wonderful years. We have two adopted children ages 6 and 2.5. Adoption made me a mother but it didn't resolve all of my feelings of my infertility.

We are considering seeing Dr. Hilgers (I live in Nebraska) for another surgery. The desire for pregnancy is still great but it is more my desire for another child that motivates me right now. Another adoption is most likey out of the question due to the cost.

I don't know what to say except that I understand your feelings. I was a child who dreamed of being a mother long before I had any clue where babies came from! :) Before we turned to adoption, I had feelings of jealousy, anger and could not even talk to a pregnant woman. I nearly had a nervous breakdown at a cousin's wedding where I was surrounded by far to many babies and pregnant women. Needless to say, my whole family found out we were experiencing infertility that night. However, by God's grace I survived that period of my life. After one particularly painful, failed cycle my husband and I knew we needed to turn to adoption. Nine months later our daughter was born and I was a mommy. Those feelings slowly subsided although they have never completely gone away. Now what brings me sadness is our inability to have a large Catholic family like those of my friends. Sometimes I feel that our family is not as pleasing to God because there are only four of us. But I recognize those feelings as being a result of the loss of our fertility. Prayer, especially the Rosary, has gotten me through all these years. I will keep you in my prayers as well. Following God's will is rarely easy, but always spiritually rewarding.

God bless you!

Purpleflowerpatch said...

I have been praying for you every Saturday and Monday (when I meditate on the Annunciation) for months now, and shall continue. May God's peace uphold you as you wait on Him!