Thursday, January 8, 2009

God's will or not?

Lately it seems that everyone I know offline and online are either already pregnant or announcing that they are pregnant. I am thrilled for them, but admit when I hear their news (or read it) I am sad for me. This week I heard someone else was pregnant and wanted to cry. I have been pretty good lately about not crying about it, but yesterday the tears started again. It just made me feel so sad and discouraged for Ed and I.

I wonder, "Why are they able to get pregnant so easily and not me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why do some women get to be Mommies and not me?" "Doesn't God hear my prayers?" "Doesn't He think I would be a good Mommy?" "So why isn't He blessing us with a child?" I want to be a good Catholic Mommy so much. I think I would be a good Catholic Mommy. I've been told by many family, friends, parents of children I taught as a teacher at a daycare, and co-workers that they thought I'd be a very good Mommy someday. I'd love to be able to give Ed a child. It seems that we have been trying forever. "Am I not praying hard enough?" As a single for years I prayed for a good Catholic husband as well as to be able to someday have children. Well, I've certainly been blessed to find and marry Ed. I thank God every day for my wonderful Catholic husband.

Since we've been married I've been praying many rosaries, 54 day rosary novenas, St. Therese novenas, and many other novenas for children. It seems though that my prayers haven't been answered yet. I wonder "How long do I have to keep praying?" "Am I praying hard enough?" Why is it that other couples pray the rosary or novenas for a child and their prayers are answered quickly than mine? "Am I doing something wrong?"

It just seems that we have been trying for so long to be able to have a child and I haven't been able to become pregnant once. I think I have tried everything: I read everything about increasing the chances of being able to conceive online and I have many books on the subject, I have taken vitamins, tried different herbs, gave up the cola, and even lost twenty three pounds. It seems nothing has worked. Nothing is making the difference. So why keep praying for a baby, keep trying, give up the cola, take the vitamins, or continue to try to lose weight? Nothing works!

I'm sorry, but it just seems so frustrating. Am I too old? Is it this stupid endometriosis? Or is it just not God's will? I had a talk with a priest about this and he told me that not all married couples have a vocation to be parents. Of course I didn't really like hearing this at the time even if it probably is the truth.

So how can you tell if something is God's will for you or not? Do you think I should continue to pray asking God to please bless us with a baby? How long should someone pray for something? When I was in my thirties, I prayed for several years for a good Catholic husband. Ed found me when I was thirty nine. We were married on June 16th 2007 when I was almost forty one and Ed was almost forty three. He was definitely worth the wait!

Again, I am very happy for any woman who has the blessing to be able to conceive, experience the joy of pregnancy, and give birth to a beautiful child of God. But I want to be able to experience that joy too. Unfortunately it seems right now that I am unable to conceive, that I will never be able to experience the joy of being pregnant, seeing the joy on Ed's face when I tell him we have a baby on the way, feel our baby kick in my womb, go shopping for baby's homecoming outfit with my Mom, give birth, breast feed, practice attachment parenting with a baby, see baby's first smile, watch baby when he takes his first steps, hear baby say "Mama" or "Dada", teach our child the "Hail Mary" and "Our Father", teach our child the rosary, home school our child, and all the ups and downs of having a child of our own. I have such a strong desire to be a Mother and look forward to experiencing all those things. My heart and my arms ache to hold a child. It's not easy to slowly come to the very realistic realization that I might never be able to be a Mother and have a child of our own. It hurts. It really hurts.

I want to be the kind of person who can forget my own heartache of being infertile and be able to help other Mothers. I hope I have helped other Mothers with their children as a teacher at a daycare for almost twenty years. I also pray for the Mothers in my own family, many of our friends, co-workers who are pregnant, and pregnant friends offline and online. Why? Because I have found helping others and praying for them helps me too and makes me very happy. I enjoy helping others and praying for them. Maybe it's not God's will for me to be a Mother, but maybe it is God's will for me to help and pray for Mothers.

Still though, I would really love to be able to conceive and have a child of our own.
Again, stupid endometriosis!

Could you please pray for me to receive the graces I need and be able to accept God's will better? I need your prayers so much. Thank you so much!

And now that I've written that completely selfish and whining post, I'm going to go read my Bible and pray the rosary.

May God Bless you.

Love,
Maria Therese

15 comments:

becomewhatyouare said...

So nice to see you've started a blog.

This is only my opinion, of course, but I would say that there is never a time to stop praying for this blessing. We do not know what God wants, but he doesn't mind we children asking, especially for such a beautiful blessing.

I am so sorry for your heartache (which, by the way, you're allowed to feel.) You continue to be in my prayers.

Ruth said...

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are going through. I am continuing to pray for you and Ed to have a baby. God bless you!

allyouwhohope said...

I recently have adopted a new attitude that if I am going to ask for it, I should believe it will happen. I need to have faith that God hears my prayers and will answer them. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find! I still ask ultimately for God's will to be done, but I think my previous attitude - asking for a pregnancy but completely doubting it would ever happen - isn't how the Lord wants us to approach him. Go to him with an open heart and a childlike confidence that he will bless you!

Jamie said...

I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, but, I hope it helps to console you in some way.

I don't know if you remember or not, but we were "childless" for almost 3 years. The first 3 years of our marriage. I DO know what you are feeling.

I never gave up, I never complained, but I did feel what you are feeling right now. I had those same thoughts. I finally just totally gave it to God and said, "OK, if You want us to be a childless couple, help ME to deal with it" I felt like I totally meant it and surrendered to God's will. Then, after that we got pregnant, not expecting to.

When God's answer to our prayer is not what we want it to be (there are a lot of people praying for you, including me) I have a few friends who have recently miscarried. I have another friend whose son was killed in a car accident when he was 15 months and they have had 4 miscarriages and now she's 44 and she'd be the best mom in the world. SO many questions.

I tell myself that, only God knows why, He has His reasons, reasons we can't see now. Maybe someday we will see those reasons, maybe not.

I don't think God is rewarding me or anyone who He gives a child to. He doesn't work that way.

I am sorry for you pain and will continue for you to accept God's will for your life where you are right now. One day at a time.

I also think you can keep asking, God knows your heart, thank Him for what He has given you and what He has not given you yet.

Jamie said...

I meant that I will continue to PRAY for you!

Julie Fier said...

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and I have endometriosis. We have been trying to conceive since the day we got married! It took about 3-4 years before I changed my prayer to asking God to help me to accept His Will for me that day, instead of asking Him to change my life according to MY will. God has led us down the path of adoption...a long hard road, but we are hopeful that He will bless us with our daughter Isabella in His timing! Each day I try to do my best to love God and follow His will for my life. God knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us, to give us hope and a future! Everyone has a cross, and we carry the heavy cross of infertility and endometriosis!

FloridaWife said...

Hi, Maria. I remember you from where you visited my blog last March. I prayed for you then and I am making a new committment now to pray for you regularly.

I am sorry, so sorry for your pain. And I think Jamie (above) states well what I would further like to say.

God bless

prayerfuljourney said...

Gosh, I really do know how you feel. I do ask God, if not children, then what? IT's that unknown that is hard to contend with(no control). I feel it's human nature to want to plan, look ahead and have hope for the future. Our society expects everyone to have children. We (I know I was) were taught from our younger years that if we got married, children would be the next step. No one ever said "Unless you have infertility......". No one plans for that. Anyway...God has made us women with infertility different from others. How many have told you "Boy, you must be strong to go through that." hmmm....I hope I handle my infertility with strength and grace. When I face our Good Lord on my judgement day I want him to tell me "Job well done faithful servant." I don't want to spend any extra time in purgatory because I let this infertility make me a sinner (it has...I've been envious and jealous. Ugh!). When I face the Lord, I want to know that I did all I could to help him make me a mother if that was to be his will for me. That is why I signed up for adoption. I don't know. I may never know why I wasn't a mother in this lifetime.....but one day I will and on that day.......I will nod and understand. Right now, I have to live and do the best to find that "something" that will fill that hole I have in my heart. Or at least, something to make that hole less painful to think about. Right? I know teaching will help. After a full day of children, it's nice to come home to a quiet house and have the freedom to nap or just hang out. I know God wants me to be a teacher. That I no longer have any doubt.
You really got me thinking and praying when you mentioned that you believe that you were meant to help other mothers eventhough you are not a mother yourself. I have been so resistant to that myself. I do other acts of charity but not to much to help mothers. I guess it bothers me that mothers are not seeking the option of adoption (if it's going to be a struggle to care for their infant) but yet there is an increasing need for foster families. I guess I hoped by adopting, I would eliminate the need for one more child to be in foster care. Right? We've given money, etc to programs to help mothers in the past but lately I've stopped. Sure, these mothers will take my money, etc but are not helping me out in anyway(that's my selfish "me" talking). I can't imagine how hard giving up a baby could be....I just can't...but having that child end up in foster care can not be the right answer either, right? Your words touched me and maybe I will go back to helping poor mothers again. I just need to let go of that resentment. I do pray for everyone on this painful journey. But I do feel we are all strong. God makes us strong. The pain has subsided over the years and I try to think of something else more positive when I'm feeling down however I don't think there is anything that can take away the fact that infertility is hard. It is what it is. We just have to live our lives and do the best we can for the Lord. I want to get to heaven as quickly as possible when my time is up on this earth. I don't want infertility to be getting in the way of what we should ultimitely want. Right? My thougths and prayers are with you. God bless.

Jessica said...

Maria Therese ~ I am very sorry to take so long answering your questions on my blog... I just have a lot going on right now, and have been overwhelmed with it all. Nevertheless, you have been in my prayers.

Yes, the rose you received probably was from St. Therese. I have yet to finish a novena to her and NOT receive a rose -- my challenge has always been FINISHING all the novenas I start! ;)

As for your question... all prayers are answered. However, sometimes they are not answered in the way that we are hoping they will be. We must have faith and trust God, and pray for His will in our lives, even if it is not our own.

I have never had a hard time conceiving... My challenge comes in carrying my babies to term. When I prayed my very first novena--while having preterm labor. Just because my little one did die, it didn't mean that my prayers went unanswered. It was God's will, and though it can be VERY hard to accept at times, accept it we must.

When I am struggling (with why my baby--babies now--died), I try and think of our Blessed Mother and imagine just how much SHE suffered: Watching her only son, and Lord, die on the cross. How she must have suffered, yet it was the will of God, and she accepted that. Thinking about, and praying to her, helps ease my own suffering--realizing that our Lord hasn't asked anything of me, that He didn't ask of His own mother.

I will be praying, for you and your husband, that if it is God's will, you will be blessed with a child, and if not, that He will help you both be accepting of His will. God Bless!

Cathy said...

I will pray for all of you who are trying to become mothers.

And I will leave you with this, which I don't expect you to know without someone telling you. I didn't know it before I became a mother. I write it not in anger or even irritation, but in the spirit of education and compassion for children who came to their parents through adoption.
I always hesitate to bring it up because I am *not* easily offended by anyone's language.
But I am pro-life and pro-adoption, so here goes nothing. I'm sorry if I end up sounding like a moron or a thin-skinned whiner.
:)

Being infertile doesn't mean you can't have children. It means you can't have biological children. If someone ever asks me if I "want children of my own", it will be ugly, particularly if they ask me in front of my daughter.

And my infertility certainly doesn't mean I can't be a mother.
I am a mother. Just ask the kid in my lap right now whining, "Read Boo Hoo Baby. Read Boo Hoo Baby."

The first person who ever makes my child feel as though she's not "natural", or "mine", or "real" is going to get a quick lesson in etiquette from me, hopefully (though I can't promise anything) in hushed tones.

It is a myth that adoption "fills a void" - it can ease the pain of infertility, but if you have serious issues with not having bio children, adoption will not cure them - and no child should ever be used as a tool to cure some ailment of ours. People should adopt because they want to be parents. Same reason people conceive. And that's it. (We all know how well it works out when a couple conceives to "save their marriage" - yikes.)

To learn more about positive adoption language, see here:

http://tinyurl.com/axgwa4

And now, I'm off to read "Boo Hoo Baby" with my very own, very natural, very real daughter.

:)

prayerfuljourney said...

Cathy, I couldn't agree more with your words about adoption. If my husband and I are blessed with an adopted child....that child is mine and I would never look at that child any other way. It took me a good year to come to terms with adoption. I was afraid, etc. I've been told by other people who have adopted and people who have adopted and have their own biological children that there is no difference. That is great that the adoption worked for you. My husband and I are still waiting. We went domestic. In my area....750 teens became mothers last year (according to the H.S. records). I know Catholic Charities did not have one infant adoption last year and the other agencies have had a few. I know giving up a baby is hard and families (grandparents) are adopting their childrens children. Those are the facts. Some people have been encouraging us to go International but right now, that is not in our hearts. We pray that something will work out for us....adoption or biological. We've left that up to our Lord. Either way, we are awaiting the child God has planned for us. If we aren't meant to be parents, then we have to accept that too. God Bless.

Tina said...

Thank you first of all for leaving a comment on my blog.

After all of the testemonies and words of encouragement here, I have nothing left to add. I understand your feelings more than it would appear at first glance. Thank you for reminding me not take what I have for granted. That is not meant to be taken in the wrong way. I will be praying for you.

In Christ through Mary,
Tina

Vineyard Painter said...

As you know, it really comes down to one prayer, 'Thy Will be done"...just like Our Lady said, "Fiat".... and know that the very best is in store. love and peace to you.

Handmaid of the Lord said...

I know your pain well and I had your exact feelings. My husband and I struggled with infertility for many years, before conception and in between births. We now have 3 bios and 2 adopted (and 2 grandchildren!). There was a time when I thought this would never be. So a big cyber hug for you as I weep with you and pray for you with much love and tenderness knowing the depth of your pain.

Mrs. Murphy said...

Just read your story today and my heart was breaking. My husband and I have 4 beautiful girls and 2 babies in heaven, and these past few years we both have had major surgery that made conceiving again unlikely. We took NFP, and during the one single month we actually "tried" my friends prayed to Lucille Kuchar, to intercede and ask our Lord and Lady to bless our family again. She is the mother of I think 18? And many fertility miracles are being attributed to her. Well, God has blessed us, it took that one single month, and this week I found out it's TWINS! I will pray to her for you, and I suggest you spread her name as a wonderful woman to ask to pray for you in Heaven! God Bless!