Lately it seems that everyone I know offline and online are either already pregnant or announcing that they are pregnant. I am thrilled for them, but admit when I hear their news (or read it) I am sad for me. This week I heard someone else was pregnant and wanted to cry. I have been pretty good lately about not crying about it, but yesterday the tears started again. It just made me feel so sad and discouraged for Ed and I.
I wonder, "Why are they able to get pregnant so easily and not me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "Why do some women get to be Mommies and not me?" "Doesn't God hear my prayers?" "Doesn't He think I would be a good Mommy?" "So why isn't He blessing us with a child?" I want to be a good Catholic Mommy so much. I think I would be a good Catholic Mommy. I've been told by many family, friends, parents of children I taught as a teacher at a daycare, and co-workers that they thought I'd be a very good Mommy someday. I'd love to be able to give Ed a child. It seems that we have been trying forever. "Am I not praying hard enough?" As a single for years I prayed for a good Catholic husband as well as to be able to someday have children. Well, I've certainly been blessed to find and marry Ed. I thank God every day for my wonderful Catholic husband.
Since we've been married I've been praying many rosaries, 54 day rosary novenas, St. Therese novenas, and many other novenas for children. It seems though that my prayers haven't been answered yet. I wonder "How long do I have to keep praying?" "Am I praying hard enough?" Why is it that other couples pray the rosary or novenas for a child and their prayers are answered quickly than mine? "Am I doing something wrong?"
It just seems that we have been trying for so long to be able to have a child and I haven't been able to become pregnant once. I think I have tried everything: I read everything about increasing the chances of being able to conceive online and I have many books on the subject, I have taken vitamins, tried different herbs, gave up the cola, and even lost twenty three pounds. It seems nothing has worked. Nothing is making the difference. So why keep praying for a baby, keep trying, give up the cola, take the vitamins, or continue to try to lose weight? Nothing works!
I'm sorry, but it just seems so frustrating. Am I too old? Is it this stupid endometriosis? Or is it just not God's will? I had a talk with a priest about this and he told me that not all married couples have a vocation to be parents. Of course I didn't really like hearing this at the time even if it probably is the truth.
So how can you tell if something is God's will for you or not? Do you think I should continue to pray asking God to please bless us with a baby? How long should someone pray for something? When I was in my thirties, I prayed for several years for a good Catholic husband. Ed found me when I was thirty nine. We were married on June 16th 2007 when I was almost forty one and Ed was almost forty three. He was definitely worth the wait!
Again, I am very happy for any woman who has the blessing to be able to conceive, experience the joy of pregnancy, and give birth to a beautiful child of God. But I want to be able to experience that joy too. Unfortunately it seems right now that I am unable to conceive, that I will never be able to experience the joy of being pregnant, seeing the joy on Ed's face when I tell him we have a baby on the way, feel our baby kick in my womb, go shopping for baby's homecoming outfit with my Mom, give birth, breast feed, practice attachment parenting with a baby, see baby's first smile, watch baby when he takes his first steps, hear baby say "Mama" or "Dada", teach our child the "Hail Mary" and "Our Father", teach our child the rosary, home school our child, and all the ups and downs of having a child of our own. I have such a strong desire to be a Mother and look forward to experiencing all those things. My heart and my arms ache to hold a child. It's not easy to slowly come to the very realistic realization that I might never be able to be a Mother and have a child of our own. It hurts. It really hurts.
I want to be the kind of person who can forget my own heartache of being infertile and be able to help other Mothers. I hope I have helped other Mothers with their children as a teacher at a daycare for almost twenty years. I also pray for the Mothers in my own family, many of our friends, co-workers who are pregnant, and pregnant friends offline and online. Why? Because I have found helping others and praying for them helps me too and makes me very happy. I enjoy helping others and praying for them. Maybe it's not God's will for me to be a Mother, but maybe it is God's will for me to help and pray for Mothers.
Still though, I would really love to be able to conceive and have a child of our own.
Again, stupid endometriosis!
Could you please pray for me to receive the graces I need and be able to accept God's will better? I need your prayers so much. Thank you so much!
And now that I've written that completely selfish and whining post, I'm going to go read my Bible and pray the rosary.
May God Bless you.