Sunday, May 17, 2009

Infertility is heartbreaking!

Question: If it's not God's will for me to be a Mother, then why did He put this intense desire in my heart to want so much to be one? Isn't that a sign of God's will?
My heart and arms ache so much to have my own child and to be a Mommy. I know I would be a good one. I have been a daycare teacher for over twenty years and I don't want to blog, but many people I've worked with and parents of the children I cared for have commented many times "How come you don't have any children? You would be such a good Mom someday!"

The answer I used to give them: "Because I am waiting for God and the Blessed Mother to send me a good Catholic gentleman. I am waiting for God's will." I tried so hard to be good when I was younger, wait patiently (!?), and pray my rosary every day.

Okay, well I prayed and waited a long time to meet my Ed. He is well worth the wait!"

But did I wait too long? I am almost forty three now (August 2nd) and found out last year in February 12 after my first surgery I had endometrosis stage four. Why do I feel like I'm being punished somehow? What did I do wrong??? You know what's more difficult than waiting years to meet a good Catholic man? Dealing with endometriosis or some other type of reproductive disorder and infertility! It's so heartbreaking! Yes, it breaks my heart for everyone who has to go through this and me too. So sad.

Sorry for the gloomy post (I also am on my first period since my last surgery and it's a killer! I need more pain meds!), but I just wonder - is it God's will for us to have our own child or maybe adopt? We don't really have the financial resources or room in our condo right now to adopt. How can you tell God's will for you? I feel the only way we will be able to be parents is to blessed with our own child. But I'm wondering, is this God's will for us? Do I keep praying for this intention? I really need to start praying my rosary more. Praying the rosary always makes me feel better. I LOVE the rosary and the Blessed Mother! Jesus and His Mother have always helped me!

May I please ask for prayers, please? And for all my friends going through similiar trials? Thank you so much! I know I am blessed to have Ed for my husband, but we want a child so much too. My fear is that we will never be blessed with a child and I will never be able to get pregnant. I feel like I'm trying to climb a big mountain, but can't.

Okay, I'm going to go now to pray the rosary, pray for others, pray for myself, and try to get my mind off this.

May God Bless you all.

Love,
Maria

8 comments:

Praying for Hope said...

I've been asking myself that same question. It feels like all I've done my entire life is wait. It took me 21 years before I met my first boyfriend, another three years to meet my husband, 13 years to marry him (he's very sweet but gun shy, poor guy), and now it looks like it will be years before we'll manage to have a child (if ever). Waiting only to find more obstacles in your way is absolutely disheartening.

I always help to know when you're not alone in the wait. And you're not. You're in my prayers

Fertile Thoughts said...

I really admire your devotion to the Rosary! That is great you are so devoted to Our Lady :) I am so sorry to hear how painful this cross is for you. The first period after a lap. always seems to me the most painful. I am happy to hear though that now you have your surgery done and your first cycle going. Certainly, this will make it much easier for conception having your endo removed. Maybe it's just a matter of time now before your telling us about your BFP ;)
I am praying for you~Don't lose hope (((hugs)))
~Amber

deedee-7766 said...

BUT YOU WANTED YOUR PERIOD and you got it :) I told you, mine were SOOOOOOO painful the first several months post-op...I hope you feel better...do you use progesterone during your period, do they recommend that at all?

have you tried anything like 5-htp for depressive feelings, and vitamin e (all natural, alpha beta delta gamma)?

I get very down around my period, you have my sympathy, you really do

remember, you wanted your period, you even prayed for it and asked others, hang in there!!!!!

I know your desire, too, but let your heart (and womb) be like the Blessed Mother's, waiting for God's breath of life...pray for it to heal and be healthy and prepared

visualize strength, patience, love....

deedee-7766 said...

please don't focus on negativity and loss and pain..try to focus on love, healing, and ask every saint you can for their help...

i have two suggestions, which kind of came to me in prayer - perhaps you already do them, sorry if you do and this is not new to you

do you go to Adoration? spend at least an hour a week in Adoration...

some miraculous things happened for me.....but sometimes don't ask, just BE, and let God love you...He does...

also, have you any abortuaries to pray for the unborn babies at? i hope this doesn't cause you pain, because i know women who desire children find these things horrific! but they so need our help....

again, these are suggestions that came to me in prayer, so take them for any way you can use them....so many good Catholics are pro-life, so perhaps you already do...but I think I told the story here of a young couple that adopted a child saved from abortion....not saying that is your purpose there...but let God lead you....when I have felt denied, I always thought God was calling me on to something else...as painful as it might be, and I usually learned it was good for me...

pray unceasingly, God is calling you to something, and for this reason he brought your husband into your life...and now you have your painful period and I did tell you, enjoy the time you didn't have it!!!!!

I know it sounds like not enough to cover what you are dealing with, but count your blessings, and don't stop counting them until you feel better....

I'm getting ready to have my period, too, and not looking forward to it! feel better, evening primrose oil sometimes helps too (a lot, not just a small dose)

deedee-7766 said...

this is so amazing, and emotional

http://www.oprah.com/media/20090429-tows-charice

it's good to get the emotions out....i think in marilyn shannon's book on fertility and nutrition she talks about emotions being pent up and morning sickness....i forget the details...BUT if women can be helped by getting their emotions out (and avoiding hypoglycemia) maybe it can help them in other ways!

Coffee Catholic said...

Hello! I just happened on your blog while doing a google search for prayer cards of the rosary in Latin. Not having any luck there... I'm hoping to pray the rosary out loud after mass with one hail mary in english, the other in latin, back-and-forth. Guess I'd better learn the rosary prayers in latin!

Cheers! Back to cooking dinner for me. God bless!

Tina said...

I just found you on a "bunny trail". My heart aches for your situation. I will be one more praying for you and reading your updates. God Bless. Tina

deedee-7766 said...

pray for these families that are in such bad need, and also that others do not abort their child

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-05-18-mother_N.htm?loc=interstitialskip

''Struggling families look at adoption ''