I had a lovely appointment with the dermatologist today to check my moles (Before I was married my previous primary physician gave me a mole check during my last physical with her and found a suspicious mole, which was removed. It turned out to be two degrees from developing into a melanoma! Yikes!). She did not find any suspicious moles, but removed two moles - one near my left elbow and one on the bottom of my left cheek. Ouch! They are being sent to the lab to be examined.
While I was there, the dermatologist who was very nice noticed on my intake sheet under surgery that I recently had a laparoscopy. I told her my cycle was currently MIA. She asked me if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I piped up and said "Sure!" While the test was being run, I prayed asking the Blessed Mother and St. Gianna for their intercession. I also took out my St. Gianna relic card and medal and stuck it on my belly for a moment while sending up a quick prayer.
As always, the test was negative. However I expected that. They are always negative. I wonder, will the day ever arrive when a pregnancy test is positive?
I know I am so blessed to have met a wonderful Catholic gentleman and married him, but I really, REALLY, REALLY want to be a Mommy and a Stay at Home Wife/Mother. I have a whole bookshelf full of books on pregnancy, how to take care of a baby, attachment parenting, raising children, homeschooling, books for children on the faith and saints, ect. I love to visit blogs of Catholic families where the Mom is a stay at home wife and Mother. I enjoy browsing amazon.com and barnes and noble.com looking for books on taking care of babies and raising children. I also find myself very often visiting websites selling baby slings, cloth diapers, and other items for babies tempted to purchase them for our future children.
I am trying so hard to follow this anti-endometriosis diet, stay away from meat and dairy, take my vitamins, drink water, and lose weight. I used to weigh 179. Now I weigh 153. I also try to exercise, but I don't exercise as often as I should. I know I should be doing some form of exercise every day. The problem is, that I also have moderate persistant asthma and wheeze a lot. I've been called Wheezy by many people. I am trying to do everything that I can to be healthier, boost my immune system, try to prevent the endometriosis from re-curing (I think having two surgeries in two years is enough!), and pray, pray, pray. But still even when I try to do all these things, it doesn't seem I am able to become pregnant. I keep wondering, is it too late for me? Should I give up? I'm going to be forty three August 2nd. My husband is going to be forty five on July 25th.
The sad thing is, I believe that the only way we are going to be able to become parents is by being able to conceive our own child. Why is it so many couples are able to conceive and we can't? All I ask for is just one. I know it's all up to God and I'm beginning to think maybe it isn't His will for us. What makes me very sad and frustrates me is this: the only way we are going to be able to have a child is to be able to conceive our own. A relative told me about foster care, how if you do foster care you might be able to adopt the child, and the state will pay for it. I was very excited about this and talked to Ed about it. But then we visited a friend who has done foster care for a long time and while we were there, the foster child (a teenager) was on the run, wouldn't attend school, was giving the foster mother a lot of guilt trips and grief. Well after that experience, my husband was turned off by the idea of foster care. As for adoption, I am very open to adoption and we even attended a seminar run by Catholic Charities. However the impression Ed received from the seminar was that in order to adopt a couple needs to be married for three years (our second anniversary is coming up on June 16th) and we would be given an older child due to our ages. Well, that would be fine with me. I would love to be able to give a needy child a home. The big problem is though, that we don't have the money to be able to adopt. We just can't afford it right now. Very sad, but true.
So the only way that we can become parents and have a child, is to be able to conceive one, our own home grown one. Okay, we are trying, we've had about three womb blessings from Priests so far, I have special sacramentals that could fill a room to be able to conceive, but still we haven't been successful. So frustrating! My heart and arms aches to be able to hold and care for a child and to be a Mother. I was pretty shy when I was younger and wouldn't admit it, but I've been babysitting since I was thirteen, I've always loved children, and always wanted them. Why is it that I can't even have one?
Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, I just had a laparoscopy on April 1st and my body is still healing. But still when my cycle went AWOL last month and still hasn't returned, I let myself think for a few days that maybe I was pregnant. Why? Because never in my life has my cycle ever went MIA. I've always been regular. When I was heavier my cycle always appeared on days 26 or 27 most times and once in awhile on day 28. My cycle never arrives past day 28. But now that I'm a little lighter, my cycle arrives on day 24. So yeah, I let my hopes get a little high again only to have them shot down again a few days later when I took the store bough pregnancy test and it was a BFN. I've always thought that pregnancy would be the main reason why a cycle wouldn't arrive. Until I posted about the missing cycle and heard from you other ladies about surgery delaying a cycle, it didn't occur to me that the reason for the missing cycle was the surgery. Oh well.
By the way, I called my Napro doctor, told him about the missing period, and he asked me if I had any signs of fertility. I told him "No, none." He recommended I start a ten day course of progesterone suppositories to jump start the cycle. I started taking the progesterone last night.
I just continue hoping and praying for a miracle. I still hope and pray that the Blessed Mother and St. Gianna can help me. I try to pray the rosary and ask St. Gianna for her intercession every day. Maybe someday my prayer will come true! Would anybody be willing to pray to the Blessed Mother and St. Gianna for me asking them for their intercession? It would mean so much to me! I'd really appreciate it so much! Thank you so much!
I think this Friday when I get paid again I will visit the St. Gianna Shrine online and order a St. Gianna medal with the chain and the bracelet too. Did I tell you that if we are ever blessed with a child and if it's a girl, we will name her Gianna Mary Clair?
All of you remain in my thoughts and prayers!
May God Bless you all.