Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Negative Pregnancy Test at the Doctor's today (sigh)

I had a lovely appointment with the dermatologist today to check my moles (Before I was married my previous primary physician gave me a mole check during my last physical with her and found a suspicious mole, which was removed. It turned out to be two degrees from developing into a melanoma! Yikes!). She did not find any suspicious moles, but removed two moles - one near my left elbow and one on the bottom of my left cheek. Ouch! They are being sent to the lab to be examined.

While I was there, the dermatologist who was very nice noticed on my intake sheet under surgery that I recently had a laparoscopy. I told her my cycle was currently MIA. She asked me if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I piped up and said "Sure!" While the test was being run, I prayed asking the Blessed Mother and St. Gianna for their intercession. I also took out my St. Gianna relic card and medal and stuck it on my belly for a moment while sending up a quick prayer.

As always, the test was negative. However I expected that. They are always negative. I wonder, will the day ever arrive when a pregnancy test is positive?

I know I am so blessed to have met a wonderful Catholic gentleman and married him, but I really, REALLY, REALLY want to be a Mommy and a Stay at Home Wife/Mother. I have a whole bookshelf full of books on pregnancy, how to take care of a baby, attachment parenting, raising children, homeschooling, books for children on the faith and saints, ect. I love to visit blogs of Catholic families where the Mom is a stay at home wife and Mother. I enjoy browsing amazon.com and barnes and noble.com looking for books on taking care of babies and raising children. I also find myself very often visiting websites selling baby slings, cloth diapers, and other items for babies tempted to purchase them for our future children.

I am trying so hard to follow this anti-endometriosis diet, stay away from meat and dairy, take my vitamins, drink water, and lose weight. I used to weigh 179. Now I weigh 153. I also try to exercise, but I don't exercise as often as I should. I know I should be doing some form of exercise every day. The problem is, that I also have moderate persistant asthma and wheeze a lot. I've been called Wheezy by many people. I am trying to do everything that I can to be healthier, boost my immune system, try to prevent the endometriosis from re-curing (I think having two surgeries in two years is enough!), and pray, pray, pray. But still even when I try to do all these things, it doesn't seem I am able to become pregnant. I keep wondering, is it too late for me? Should I give up? I'm going to be forty three August 2nd. My husband is going to be forty five on July 25th.

The sad thing is, I believe that the only way we are going to be able to become parents is by being able to conceive our own child. Why is it so many couples are able to conceive and we can't? All I ask for is just one. I know it's all up to God and I'm beginning to think maybe it isn't His will for us. What makes me very sad and frustrates me is this: the only way we are going to be able to have a child is to be able to conceive our own. A relative told me about foster care, how if you do foster care you might be able to adopt the child, and the state will pay for it. I was very excited about this and talked to Ed about it. But then we visited a friend who has done foster care for a long time and while we were there, the foster child (a teenager) was on the run, wouldn't attend school, was giving the foster mother a lot of guilt trips and grief. Well after that experience, my husband was turned off by the idea of foster care. As for adoption, I am very open to adoption and we even attended a seminar run by Catholic Charities. However the impression Ed received from the seminar was that in order to adopt a couple needs to be married for three years (our second anniversary is coming up on June 16th) and we would be given an older child due to our ages. Well, that would be fine with me. I would love to be able to give a needy child a home. The big problem is though, that we don't have the money to be able to adopt. We just can't afford it right now. Very sad, but true.

So the only way that we can become parents and have a child, is to be able to conceive one, our own home grown one. Okay, we are trying, we've had about three womb blessings from Priests so far, I have special sacramentals that could fill a room to be able to conceive, but still we haven't been successful. So frustrating! My heart and arms aches to be able to hold and care for a child and to be a Mother. I was pretty shy when I was younger and wouldn't admit it, but I've been babysitting since I was thirteen, I've always loved children, and always wanted them. Why is it that I can't even have one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, I just had a laparoscopy on April 1st and my body is still healing. But still when my cycle went AWOL last month and still hasn't returned, I let myself think for a few days that maybe I was pregnant. Why? Because never in my life has my cycle ever went MIA. I've always been regular. When I was heavier my cycle always appeared on days 26 or 27 most times and once in awhile on day 28. My cycle never arrives past day 28. But now that I'm a little lighter, my cycle arrives on day 24. So yeah, I let my hopes get a little high again only to have them shot down again a few days later when I took the store bough pregnancy test and it was a BFN. I've always thought that pregnancy would be the main reason why a cycle wouldn't arrive. Until I posted about the missing cycle and heard from you other ladies about surgery delaying a cycle, it didn't occur to me that the reason for the missing cycle was the surgery. Oh well.

By the way, I called my Napro doctor, told him about the missing period, and he asked me if I had any signs of fertility. I told him "No, none." He recommended I start a ten day course of progesterone suppositories to jump start the cycle. I started taking the progesterone last night.

I just continue hoping and praying for a miracle. I still hope and pray that the Blessed Mother and St. Gianna can help me. I try to pray the rosary and ask St. Gianna for her intercession every day. Maybe someday my prayer will come true! Would anybody be willing to pray to the Blessed Mother and St. Gianna for me asking them for their intercession? It would mean so much to me! I'd really appreciate it so much! Thank you so much!

I think this Friday when I get paid again I will visit the St. Gianna Shrine online and order a St. Gianna medal with the chain and the bracelet too. Did I tell you that if we are ever blessed with a child and if it's a girl, we will name her Gianna Mary Clair?

All of you remain in my thoughts and prayers!

May God Bless you all.



Anonymous said...

sending you hugs!

prayerfuljourney said...

Gosh...I know all too well how you feel. Here I am on the verge of my own lap surgery and I can't help but think....here I am going through this surgery when so many women get pregnant and abort or keep the children and don't want them. I don't understand and I've accepted that this is beyond one's understanding. My dh and I tried adoption but that is turning up a big 0! Does tomorrow give us hope? Some but not much. If I have endo...it will be taken care of (Lord Willing) and I can be free of the monthly cramps. Anyways...I pray for you and Lord Willing soon we'll both be sharing "mommie" stories instead of IF happenings. Thank you for your prayers.

Life In Mazes said...

Sorry about the test result. I hope that there are many good days, weeks, and years ahead for you and your husband. Many prayers abound for you.

JellyBelly said...

i'm so sorry!!! i'm sending you prayers. BFNs always hurt.

Anonymous said...

You are so cute! I read part of your post and will read the rest! How great that you lost 20 pounds! you are on your way! I just read on another blog about a woman whose friend followed the endo diet, lost her endo pain, and then conceived! Nothing happens the same for everyone, but how great is that? I know how you feel in many ways - I have watched so many cousins, sister , sisters-in-law friends marry and have kids - and have the life I thought I'd have! And yet I am the one who prays the most etc etc - I cannot see what God sees, but I know how we ask God for His blessings. I love the idea of you taking your relic out! May God bless you in and for your faith.

Anonymous said...

do not give up! God does not give up - check out that over 40 mom site every day and say, it's in God's hands!

Oh darn, I forgot what else I was going to say! Have to go back and read your post...

Anonymous said...

Please pray for me, I have been praying for you...you are bringing a witness, hang in there! God knows who I am....and He knows I could use the prayers! He blesses the pray-er too. Adopting a child is a wonderful thing, I have been wanting to ask someone if anyone goes to the abortion clinics in their area and offer to adopt? I know I have seen women walk away, when they see sonograms, and I wonder if they still don't worry about how they will support their child.

Finally, as to asthma, does it get better as you lose weight?

Does it get better when you avoid some things? A lot of women with endo have asthma, and also yeast issues...have you seen yeastconnection.com

I had terrible asthma...I went for allergy shots, but there are also things you can do with supplements...quercetin, vitamin c, NAC....

in addition, health food stores have supplements that already have a good combo together, with names like 'aller-max' and i think dr hoffman has one at vitamin shoppe called seasonal allergy

Anonymous said...

here are some fertility tips - i would be verrrry careful with anything herbal, and i'd talk to the nfp doc, but for sure , it's interesting to look at!


Anonymous said...

this is a brand new article about asthma and supplements that are supposed to help

from my own experience, and from reading, i think a lot of women in general might be low in zinc - do you know it seems that excess copper, low zinc, can lead to chocolate cyts? some of the things i read said that...

in any event, none of these supplements taken in moderation should be harmful!


Anonymous said...

ooh, i just read the end where they mention folic acid - of course, that's supposed to be great for moms and babies, but i have read of it being helpful in so many places, even for older people and their hearts

it's supposed to help fight cervical cancer - i think i'll go have some now

Jamie said...

Maria, when I think of you and pray for you (often) I keep getting the word "trust".

I think God is asking you to Trust Him. You only need one womb blessing, not as many as you can get. It's not magic. It's about trust.

I'm afraid by doing so much, it's almost done in a way of "I've done this for You, now do this for me" attitude. Your faith is a gift, what you do with it, is your duty towards God, not something to be rewarded.

When we pray, God doesn't always answer us the way we want. He does always hear us, He does always answer us, just not always the way we want.

What will you do if His answer to you is NO? I pray you keep your faith. I pray you accept His will. His Will always falls into place. When prayers and relics and blessings and novenas are thought of as almost a magic remedy, then the risk of loss of faith is very high.

A simple "This is what I want Lord, but I accept Your will" each morning is very powerful and will help you lift this tremendous weight you carry on your mind and heart. I pray you feel that peace. God's peace.

I continue to pray for you all the time. For His will to be done in you and through you. You have so much good inside of you, God knows that. Be patient. Trust.

Jamie said...

Once when talking with a priest about being jealous of others for various reasons, including wanting children (almost 3 years of infertility), he told me that if I even tried to walk in another person's shoes, I could not even do it for a day. God knows us.

I tell myself this when I feel sorry for myself.

allyouwhohope said...

Congrats on the weight loss! I will definitely keep you in my prayers. How wonderful that you will choose the name Gianna. Have you told St. Gianna that? I've heard that some women tell the saint that specifically when they ask for their intercession. Just a thought!

Sarah Harkins said...

Said a rosary for you and your husband yesterday. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire the way you are giving your situation over to God. You are an inspiration for all struggling with infertility. You will continue to be in my prayers.
In Christ,

Annieq said...

I'm praying for your Maria. We have alot in common. I will be 43 this year as well and have never been pregnant. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I have had 3 surgeries for Stage 4 endo including surgery with Dr. Hilgers in Omaha last fall. If you ever want to talk email me (stry66@yahoo.com). Anne.