Saturday, June 26, 2010

Someone emailed me offering to be a Surrogate Mother for me!

Ladies, can I share something with you? A few of you might know our story. My name is Maria, I'm forty three, and I've been married for three years. My husband (he's forty five) and I have been trying to conceive for three years now. We haven't been able to get pregnant once. Two years ago, much to my devastation, I was diagnosed with endometriosis stage four. I've had two surgeries so far.

Many know of my husband and my struggle. Our family and friends. Co-workers. People who live in our apartment. Yesterday, out of the blue, I received an email from a young lady who just happens to be a relative of a dear friend. She is young and a very sweet and thoughtful girl. She told me she knows how much I want to be a Mother and have a baby. She told me how much she wants to help me. She told me she prayed about it and she is convinced that God wants her to help me and my husband out. Guess what she offered to do? Be a surrogate Mother for me and carry our baby! Oh my gosh, when I received this email I was shocked! I still am!

Can you imagine how much I wanted to write her back immediately and say "Yes"? I mean, my hubby and I do not have many options left. I am going to be forty four in August and my periods started skipping last year right after my second surgery. Hubby and I would love to be able to foster adopt or adopt, but it's so expensive and we don't have enough money. We are living paycheck to paycheck. Also something happened to us both this year, which could make it impossible for us to ever adopt. I'm sorry, but I can't write about it here. So as you can imagine for a lady who has been teaching at daycare centers for twenty two years and loves children, always wanted her own, who cries often wanting a child so much, and feels so sad and discouraged about not being able to have a child of her own, well when someone emails you and offers to be a surrogate for you, it's really difficult (heart wrenching) to have to tell her no!!

I am not sure what to email back to this girl. She is a family friend, related to a dear friend of mine. I do not want to offend her. But even if this is the only way I can ever be a Mommy, I still have to say no! Why? Because I know in my heart and soul that God does not approve of surrogacy. As much as my heart aches and my arms ache to hold a baby and have my own child, I can't risk losing my soul (or hubby's soul). It is my job as his wife to help him reach heaven.

I know that I have to write this young lady and tell her no, but not sure how to do it without offending her. She is a very sweet girl and I know she has good intentions. But like I said before, I know God does not approve of babies being conceived through surrogacy or IVF.

By the way, I am asked all the time why hubby and I are not trying IVF. Usually I'm asked this question by people who have tried IVF. How should I respond to that question?

My husband and I are joining the Third Order at our church, which is run by the Franciscans. We will be making our Consecration to Our Lady in July. We started taking the classes in January, which is when the first trial happened. We have had several trials since. We keep on receiving one trial after another and all of them could very well prevent hubby and I from ever being able to foster adopt or adopt any children.

Sure, I could cry and give in to despair, but I won't! I'm just going to continue to pick up my rosary beads and pray, pray, pray! I'm going to show Our Lord and Our Lady how faithful I am and I won't quit!

Maybe you guys could pray for me? This infertility/endometriosis thing is so hard especially when me and hubby want a baby so much! Thanks!

Thinking of you and praying for you all!



some how, some way, some day said...

Oh, Maria, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Of course I will pray for you! Feel free to e-mail me if you want. I've been through telling people why we are not pursuing ART. And, we are in the process of foster adopting right now. We could chat privately about what may or may not prevent you from foster adoption. Keep praying!

Angela said...

Maria Therese, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It is so hard when someone tries to offer you what they think is a blessing and it is against what we believe! We just have to speak the truth in love and pray that God will let them understand. I'm praying for you right now for you!
God bless!

prayerfuljourney said...

One of my closest girlfriends offered to be a surragate for me too...she loves being pregnant. I said "no" to her face w/o hesitation...and she knew why. She knows it's against my beliefs. I don't want a baby if it isn't going to be right with God. Like you's about getting our souls to heaven.

I'm on the journey of accepting and living God's will. GOd is good and if His plans don't include my very own children then so be it. I'm okay and will remain okay.

Would you consider foster to adopt an older child? Maybe five or older? Or do you have to have an infant? Foster care wouldn't cost you anything and so many children need good homes. Just a thought for when you get that "situation" cleared up.

mrsblondies said...

I'll be praying that you get the adoption-blocking situation cleared up. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much right now. TCIE is dealing with a situation that's causing them to not be able to adopt, so maybe it would be worth getting in touch with her. That's sweet that the friend of a friend's heart was in the right place in wanting to help you even though it's not something you can morally do. Maybe you could email and ask her to keep you in mind in case she ever knows of a child that needs to be adopted.

the misfit said...

That's so incredibly generous of her to offer that. I think, with respect to IVF...well, I think about it like this. if I offer a Mormon guest a drink, and he says, "Drinking alcohol is contrary to my faith," I don't feel judged. I'm comfortable with my moral decisions and I also respect his. If he said, "Drinking alcohol is evil," I might be irritated, perhaps. I think we're all sort of accustomed to accept others' values if they present them as PERSONAL. So...if you say, "Our religious beliefs don't permit us to use IVF," people should get that. If they say something nasty about the Church in response, I think that's when you can say, "I haven't attacked your beliefs, and it's just as much bigotry when you attack Catholics for being Catholic as when you attack anyone else." People have an awful double standard on this point.

And I agree with others about the generous young lady - you can thank her for her amazing generosity but say surrogacy is something you're not comfortable with doing for religious reasons, but if she ever hears of anyone looking for an adoptive family, you'd love to do that.

the misfit said...

(Sorry, I am awful with giving advice, aren't I? And this is the first time I've commented here! Awful awful! But I will be following along and, I hope, less of a pain, in the future.)

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

you are such a strong woman to resist these temptations coming your way, and I want you to know that we all admire that strength about you. Every time I read one of your posts or comments, the aching in your "voice" is so apparent, and it makes me hurt for you.
It would seem that we have a lot in common this year in terms of "trials" which started in January (well, ours really started last June, but the BIG thing happened in January) and other bad things happening since that time which threaten our ability to ever adopt.
However, I would urge you to go to an informational meeting on Foster Care. The application in and of itself talks about how "only certain crimes" are a no-no, etc. I take this to mean child molestation, and without prying too much I am pretty sure this is not the case for you and DH.

I also feel for you that so many of your Drs are telling you IVF is your only solution. Is there no NaPro Dr near where you live? Is there any way you could travel to another state for NaPro care? At the very least they would make you feel like a dignified human being worthy of treatment and diagnostic testing... and not push you into anything you don't feel comfortable with.

I will be praying for you. Joy Beyond the Cross was emailing most people tonight with their Prayer Buddy match, so if you don't receive an email by tomorrow I would email her in the afternoon.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Oh, and the other thing we have in common is our Consecration to Mary beginning in July (ending on the Assumption?) - this will be my 5th year, and DH's 4th.

LifeHopes said...

I am so sorry to hear how your heart aches, Maria.

I do know that ache very well, and also the pain of endometriosis.

I think I might have asked you this in the past, and PLEASE forgive me if I've forgotten or the answer is written plainly on your blog, but what is your surgery history?

Endometriosis, no matter how bad, can be treated and cured surgically, and if you still have it, I would love to talk with you sometime about surgery options, if you feel lead to do so.

Please know that I am praying for you, as well as a few other very special bloggers, daily.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Hi Maria! I get sad when you feel like giving up your blog because no one seems to comment, but I am wondering if emails are coming through to you? At least three times over the months I have emailed you privately and yet I have not received an answer from you? Just wondering if there is a glitch somewhere?

LK said...

Hello Maria,
I came here via Jamie's blog. My doc (Catholic NFP only) is working with me and NaPro Tech. Not for endo, but other infertility issues. It's so difficult and I'm so sorry to read of your pain. You are in my prayers.
Perhaps there might be a lead for you here?
In and with Him,
Lisa K

the misfit said...

I find it hard to answer the question in your most recent post, since blogger claims the post doesn't exist :). But you didn't offend ME...won't you come back and post?

Nicole said...

Hi. Just wanted to stop by and comment. We have commented a couple times... but I just wanted to check back in. Things have been a little crazy... but being 35 and having endo I feel I share similar shoes as you. Just wanted you to know that you can email with any questions concerning my surgery in Omaha. Dr. Hilgers was not covered on my insurance plan... and we fought every step of the way with my husbands plan to get him covered. Anyways, I say all of this to let you know. If you need to talk options with me, I am here to share in anyting. Praying for you guys. I'll attend mass tomorrow at lunch for your intentions.

kim said...

What is your Biblical basis for your opinion of surrogacy and IVF? Just trying to better understand. Thanks

Tina Marie said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering in this way. Here is some recent information that I found on infertility, perhaps it will help.

God Bless and may Mary wrap her mantle tightly around you and your husband. Your suffering is not for nothing and you will be rewarded.

Praying for you....

Peggy said...

Hi Maria, praying for you and your DH through this time.