I have not given up totally on the hope of being able to concieve and give birth to our own child, BUT in order to do so I really need a miracle! However, I realize the odds are NOT in my favor. I regret not being more assertive in my younger years when I tried to tell my Primary Physician when I was in my thirties that I had very painful periods. The response: "Take Three Aleve!" Yes, I was sent to an OB/GYN by this same Primary Physician when it was discovered I had a cyst on my ovary after suffering from a kidney stone in 2004, but that OB/GYN did nothing. I visited her three times and all she did was give me a pelvic exam, make me take the CAT test (which scared me to death because I am NOT a dummy and knew she was testing me for ovarian cancer!), and tell me "No, you do not need surgery. We just need to keep an eye on this cyst." I can't help thinking that if I had been more assertive, opened up my big mouth, and asked for a second opinion, maybe, just maybe all the damage done to my reproductive system by the endometriosis stage four could have been lessened and just maybe, the hubby and could have been more successful in being able to concieve a child.
I also regret that when I was single, I did not take a greater interest in learning how to eat more healthy, lose weight, and exercise. When I became engaged to hubby at age forty, I remember becoming very anxious whether we would be able to have children, but somehow it never dawned on me that eating more healthy, losing weight, and exercising has such a major part in being able to concieve. Yes, I did order high quality pre-natal multi vitamins recommended by a good Catholic friend in the hopes of being able to concieve once we were married, but that wasn't enough. I needed better medical care, a primary physician who was better aware of the signs of endometriosis, and could give me a referral to a specialist who could have given me the medical help I needed. Instead I was told by the primary physician, I was "Fertile Myrtle", and I should have no problem being able to have children. Maybe if I had done that I would have been able to give my husband the children he really wanted. Maybe if I had done those things I would not be sitting here with an aching heart and empty arms.
Now I fear it's too late. I am forty five now. We were seeing a wonderful Napro doctor for three years who I really liked, but during the last visit in October 2011 Hubby spoke the fatal words that ended our visits: "We are no longer interested in fertility." He might no longer be interested in fertility, but I still am! I still take several vitamins in the hope for a miracle. I still hope and pray for a miracle - every day I've been praying the rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, and St. Gianna novena prayer with rosary beads touched to St. Gianna's relics.
As a woman who seems barren as a stone, it upsets me so much that other women see their fertility as a curse instead of a blessing. I know so many women who after being blessed with children, opt to have their tubes tied. What upsets me even more (to the point of tears) is when I hear men and women speak that unborn children are just globs of tissue and not people. They speak about how it's their body, their uterus, and their right to abort if they so choose. As a woman who longs for the gift of a child, but cannot concieve it pains me so. Several times after reading articles about women being pregnant with multiples, but electing for "selective abortions" I have just broken down in tears, had to leave the computer, kneel down, and cry "Why?" in front of our Divine Mercy Picture of Jesus in the living room. I pray for these women every day. I just can't understand why or how could a Mother murder her own child in the womb.
I have even encountered a few women online declaring they are planning to have abortions and have offered to adopt their babies, but are met with an indifferent, often angry response. I have noticed that if you find out someone wants to abort their child and you offer to adopt it, the angry feminists will say things like "I am not a breeder for infertile women." Can you say ouch? After encountering these kind of responses and being very hurt, I spoke to a Priest about it. He advised me to pray for these women. I do pray for them. I pray for them every day.
I have this dream where a woman who does not wish to be a Mother to the cherished child in her womb, finds me somehow, asks me if I want to adopt her child, and totally overjoyed, I tell her "Yes!" If I had my way, I would adopt every child in danger of being aborted. How I wish I could!
Maybe someday my dream will come true and I will become a Mama! It is my hope and prayer! In the meantime, I pray for all Mamas and Dads to choose and value life! I also pray for all my family and friends who are blessed to be Mamas! I hope they know how blessed they are to be able to be a Mama!